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America's Finest News Source.

America’s Housing Crisis, By The Numbers

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California To Become First State To Provide Free Healthcare For Undocumented Residents

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Barack Obama Asks America To Stop Trying To Contact Him

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Wings In Basket From 3 Chickens Who Were Friends

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Man Doesn’t Want To Be One Of Those Couples That Spends Time Together

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Man Buys Sword In Case He Ever Needs A Sword

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Intramural Volleyball League Provides Woman With Opportunities To Feel Like Loser Outside Of Work

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Pregnant Woman Wishes People Would Ask Before Touching Breasts

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Large Mass Of Used Wet Wipes Forms ‘Island’ In Thames River

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Extra Mad Wife Forces Husband To Sleep On Ottoman

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Stain On Bus Seat Hopefully Just Cum

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Minnesota ‘Accidentally’ Legalizes THC Edibles

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Violent Man Always Begs Wall For Forgiveness After Hitting It

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Competitive Eater Tragically Forgets To Take Ball Gag Out Of Mouth Before Eating Contest

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Poll Finds Americans Would Endure At Least 150 Million Dead In Exchange For Cheaper Burrito Bowls

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Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose Abortions

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Bald Man’s Pubes Still Going Strong

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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4th Of July Potluck Guests Asked To Bring Something Everyone Can Blow Up

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America Celebrates Independence Day

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CEOs Explain How They Will Protect Abortion Rights

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Friend Who Grew Up Wealthy Wouldn’t Last One Day As Upper Middle Class

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Man Thought Guests Would Be More Impressed He Got Couch For Free

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Pharmacist Denies Woman Birth Control Pills On Grounds That He’s Her Son From Future

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Stepdad Does His Best To Approximate Loving Hug

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CIA Agent Wishes He Could Brag About How Well Secret War With Bolivia Is Going

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Skip Bayless Reminds Viewers Gas Never Hit $5 Per Gallon During Michael Jordan’s Era

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Dog Can Immediately Tell Exactly How Man’s Previous Dog Liked To Be Touched

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Men Rushing To Get Vasectomies After Supreme Court Overturns Roe v. Wade

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What To Know About Cassidy Hutchinson And Her January 6 Testimony

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New Documentary Footage Confirms Long-Held Theory That Flowers Hunt At Night

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NASA Announces Plan To Put Moon On Mars By 2040

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Onion Explains: The Totalitarian State Of North Korea (Part 2)

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Man Adamant He’d Be Better Political Prisoner Than Brittney Griner

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Taco Bell Testing New Menu Items With Oversized Cheez-It

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Nation Unable To Enjoy Baseball Without Dozens Of Pitchers Hitting .124

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Firefighter Disarmed Of Hose Grabs Squirt Gun From Ankle Holster

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Friends At Beach Bury Guy Up To His Neck In Crabs

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Supreme Court Casually Mentions Nation Now Divided Into Six Provinces Ruled By Conservative Justices

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Justice Breyer Officially Retires

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Phil Mickelson: ‘Taking Money From The Saudis Leaves Less Money For The Next 9/11’

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Elmo Receives Vasectomy In PSA On Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies

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Amy Coney Barrett Worried Rest Of Feminist Book Club Mad At Her

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Nude Justice Breyer Leaves Supreme Court After Turning In His Robes

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Biggest Lies Americans Are Taught About The 4th Of July

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Completely Legal Reasons Pharmacists Can Use To Refuse Birth Control

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Airbnb Banning Party Houses Permanently

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Crime: How Our Manipulated And In Some Cases Completely False Data Shows Crime Is On The Rise

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Man Disgusted After Shining Blacklight On Ejaculating Penis

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Military Recruiter Shows Up To Ultrasound

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