The Onion


America's Finest News Source.

America’s Housing Crisis, By The Numbers

California To Become First State To Provide Free Healthcare For Undocumented Residents

Barack Obama Asks America To Stop Trying To Contact Him

Wings In Basket From 3 Chickens Who Were Friends

Man Doesn’t Want To Be One Of Those Couples That Spends Time Together

Man Buys Sword In Case He Ever Needs A Sword

Intramural Volleyball League Provides Woman With Opportunities To Feel Like Loser Outside Of Work

Pregnant Woman Wishes People Would Ask Before Touching Breasts

Large Mass Of Used Wet Wipes Forms ‘Island’ In Thames River

Extra Mad Wife Forces Husband To Sleep On Ottoman

Stain On Bus Seat Hopefully Just Cum

Minnesota ‘Accidentally’ Legalizes THC Edibles

Violent Man Always Begs Wall For Forgiveness After Hitting It

Competitive Eater Tragically Forgets To Take Ball Gag Out Of Mouth Before Eating Contest

Poll Finds Americans Would Endure At Least 150 Million Dead In Exchange For Cheaper Burrito Bowls

Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose Abortions

Bald Man’s Pubes Still Going Strong

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

4th Of July Potluck Guests Asked To Bring Something Everyone Can Blow Up

America Celebrates Independence Day

CEOs Explain How They Will Protect Abortion Rights

Friend Who Grew Up Wealthy Wouldn’t Last One Day As Upper Middle Class

Man Thought Guests Would Be More Impressed He Got Couch For Free

Pharmacist Denies Woman Birth Control Pills On Grounds That He’s Her Son From Future

Stepdad Does His Best To Approximate Loving Hug

CIA Agent Wishes He Could Brag About How Well Secret War With Bolivia Is Going

Skip Bayless Reminds Viewers Gas Never Hit $5 Per Gallon During Michael Jordan’s Era

Dog Can Immediately Tell Exactly How Man’s Previous Dog Liked To Be Touched

Men Rushing To Get Vasectomies After Supreme Court Overturns Roe v. Wade

What To Know About Cassidy Hutchinson And Her January 6 Testimony

New Documentary Footage Confirms Long-Held Theory That Flowers Hunt At Night

NASA Announces Plan To Put Moon On Mars By 2040

Onion Explains: The Totalitarian State Of North Korea (Part 2)

Man Adamant He’d Be Better Political Prisoner Than Brittney Griner

Taco Bell Testing New Menu Items With Oversized Cheez-It

Nation Unable To Enjoy Baseball Without Dozens Of Pitchers Hitting .124

Firefighter Disarmed Of Hose Grabs Squirt Gun From Ankle Holster

Friends At Beach Bury Guy Up To His Neck In Crabs

Supreme Court Casually Mentions Nation Now Divided Into Six Provinces Ruled By Conservative Justices

Justice Breyer Officially Retires

Phil Mickelson: ‘Taking Money From The Saudis Leaves Less Money For The Next 9/11’

Elmo Receives Vasectomy In PSA On Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies

Amy Coney Barrett Worried Rest Of Feminist Book Club Mad At Her

Nude Justice Breyer Leaves Supreme Court After Turning In His Robes

Biggest Lies Americans Are Taught About The 4th Of July

Completely Legal Reasons Pharmacists Can Use To Refuse Birth Control

Airbnb Banning Party Houses Permanently

Crime: How Our Manipulated And In Some Cases Completely False Data Shows Crime Is On The Rise

Man Disgusted After Shining Blacklight On Ejaculating Penis

Military Recruiter Shows Up To Ultrasound