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Photographic Evidence Reveals Trump Attempted To Flush White House Down Toilet

CEOs Warn Against The Dangers Of Artificial Intelligence

Massive Sinkhole Opens Up In Chile

Facebook Gave Private Messages To Police In Teen’s Abortion Case

SNAP Recipients Now Required To Prove Need By Eating All Their Groceries On Spot

Prison Charges Inmate $1 Per Minute For Time With Photo Of Family

Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House

Man Takes Nice Morning Drive Through Neighbors

Conservatives React To The Mar-A-Lago Raid

Astronaut Clearly Only Selected For Mission Because He’s Related To Moon

New ‘BroSludge’ Company Markets Orange Guck For Men

Scientist Admits ‘Space Telescope Image’ Actually Slice Of Chorizo

Woman Not Attractive Enough To Look Good Wet

Trump Boys Thrilled FBI Seized Documents, Leaving Dozens Of Empty Boxes To Play In

Kim Kardashian, Pete Davidson Break Up

Relieved Trump Thought Mar-A-Lago Raid Was About All The Bodies

Serena Williams Announces Retirement From Tennis To Focus On Dominating Field Of Motherhood

Kim Kardashian Vows To Never Forget Incredible Publicity She Shared With Pete

Parent Fact: Did You Know?

Republican Senators Explain Why They Opposed The Climate Bill

Man On Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time Going To TheOnion.com

Intimacy Coordinator Hired For Set Of ‘Hard Knocks’ To Ensure Safe Environment For Tackling

Diner Menu Suggests They’re Open To Trying Anything Customer Wants To Do To An Egg

Great Britain Returns Looted Stonehenge Back To India

U.S. Developing Tactical Bra For Female Soldiers

Philadelphia Becomes First City To Be 100% Parking Spots

New Public Safety Campaign Dissuades Mass Shooters With Reminder That They’re Kind Of An Obvious Choice Now

Study Suggests Eating Jarlsberg Cheese Daily May Help Stave Off Osteoporosis

Finest Feline Reporting: The Onion’s Most Consequential Cat Journalism

Statue Reacts To Chicken Reacting To Fried Chicken Tutorial

Georgia Allowing ‘Unborn Children’ To Be Claimed As Dependents On State Taxes

Americans Explain Why They Refuse To Return To The Office

Police Did Great Job, Police Say

LeBron James Living Vicariously Through His Son Not Being A Once-In-A-Generation Talent

Mom Chimes In To Baseball Game To Say Player Cheated On Wife

Study Finds Fewer Millennials Choosing To Become Good Parents

Grandpa Now More Open-Minded About Immigrants From Poland In 1890s

Man Choosing To See Breakup As Opportunity To Beg Girlfriend To Take Him Back

Pros And Cons Of A Cashless Society

Lollapalooza Security Guard Accused Of Faking Shooting Threat To Leave Work Early

Strong Jobs Report Underscores Just How Much Of A Loser Unemployed Man Is

HHS Declares You Can’t Let Monkeypox Hold You Back If You Have Chance To Get Laid

Drunk Partygoer Falls Off Roof Attempting To Jump Off Roof

The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Have Fun In The Sun

Californians Explain Why They Should Secede From The Nation

Slumping Aaron Judge Fails To Hit Home Run For Entire At-Bat

Earth Spinning Faster Than Usual, Has Shortest Day Ever

Epidemiologist Blows Conch Horn After Spotting New Covid Variant Cresting Over Horizon

Navy Spends Majority Of Boot Camp Training Recruits To Fence Using Marlins